Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
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all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Happy Thanksgiving
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.