Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.