the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
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Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Very good news from my accountant
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael