Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
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If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.