No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

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My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward


My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.


We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.


When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.


My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.


[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff


So how do you keep score?


If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!


[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork


There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”