My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
So how do you keep score?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*