No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
![]()
You Might Also Like
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
![]()
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
This made me chuckle.
![]()
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
![]()
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
![]()
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?