No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I can fix him.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women