When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
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[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
i think we should see other cousins
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Erm I’m gonna say no