Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
You Might Also Like
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.