I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
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Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Finally!
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My god she’s good.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so