My god she’s good.
You Might Also Like
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Remember folks 😂
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner