“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
me hooking up with my ex
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT