“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please