@Parentpains

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

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@jferg1616

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

@NikkiGlaser

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

@bencoffeehall

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

@envydatropic

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

@IHideFromMyKids

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

@AGStr8upNinja

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

@imteddybless

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

@chuuew

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!