Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.