Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Passed by a old school Math example today.
The Compass
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.