my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker