[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
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Mission: Impossible
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.