My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.