You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
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Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
me refusing to leave twitter
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.