You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”