There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
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Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”