There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
When the stylist spins you back around
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Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick