Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
It’s an epidemic…
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball