Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You Might Also Like
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.