Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
*puts cutlery down*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.