I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
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Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️