PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them