Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting