Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
This is a true ally.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks