This is a true ally.
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.