Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
This made me smile…
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you