Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.