I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
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Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I don’t get marriage
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?