Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
new year update: losing everything but weight