There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple