I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
You Might Also Like
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
R.I.P.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
starting a garage orchestra
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.