I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.