why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Breaking news:
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.