I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
this post was so formative to me
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Worst bar ever.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist