Worst bar ever.
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Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.