science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
You Might Also Like
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice