Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots