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{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute