Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
no regrets
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER