If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Spa day..😅
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls