Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Still my favourite meme.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
☺️
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Breaking news:
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot