I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Writing, She Murdered.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
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[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather