I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Story of my life…..
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
quarantine day 3
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.