OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*