Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
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Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
do what now??
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”