The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
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*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…