Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.