Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I saw nothing
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.