Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
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I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
#NeverForget
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?