Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.