I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
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Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.